What is Marriage Counselling and Why Might Somebody Consider It?

“Marriage counselling” can also be called “couples counselling” or “relationship counselling”. These names are virtually interchangeable. They refer to when two people in a relationship or marriage seek help or guidance, usually about difficulties which they are encountering in their relationship.

But it doesn’t always have to be about difficulties. Sometimes people seek therapy either before marriage or at the start of a relationship. In fact some churches will only marry people once they have gone through pre-marriage counselling. And, of course, marriage counselling is for both same sex couples and heterosexual couples.

What happens in marriage counselling and how does it work?

At marriage counselling a trained and experienced couples’ therapist will first of all want to hear in depth from each member of the couple why they have come seeking help. What are the problems? When did they start? Where are they now? What does each member of the couple want? The couple’s therapist might also want to know about each individual’s history.

Some therapists like to go into great depth about this e.g. by enquiring about previous relationships, if any, and how they started and ended. The therapist will want to know about each individual’s ‘original family’ history. What was the family in which they grew up like? This would normally include such information as how their parents’ relationship worked. Were there any problems between their parents, did they divorce or stay together? These details form our ‘relationship template’. This is an out of awareness map or plan of how each individual’s conception of how a relationship should be and problems can arise when two different templates don’t fit together.

Couples coming to marriage counselling can often argue about who is right and who is wrong, and sometimes these arguments can go on for years and years and eventually play out with devastating consequences for the couple. These problems can often be explored, understood, and sorted out amicably in the context of marriage counselling.

What does a typical marriage counselling session involve?

A typical marriage counselling session involves two people meeting in a group of three with a trained, experienced and impartial professional to discuss the difficulties, issues and concerns that either one or both of them have about their marriage.

Issues can include poor communication, infidelity both physical and emotional, affairs, poor or non-existent sex life, lack of intimacy, lack of fun, changes in circumstances such as the arrival of children, children leaving home, changes in work, moving house, different priorities, arguments, resentments, feeling overlooked, etc.

The couple's therapist will listen impartially to each member of the couple and will want to find out such details as how the couple met, what attracted them to each other, when and how did things start to go wrong and why does each individual feel things have deteriorated. The therapist will want to find out about each member’s history including details of their ‘family of origin’. Together with the couple, the counsellor will try and make sense of the difficulties and why they have arisen. Sometimes a good outcome will be that the couple resolves their difficulties and lives happily ever after. But on other occasions the couple may decide that they would be happier separating and in this case the therapist can help them to detach while minimising the pain to both parties, the collateral damage to any children and hopefully enable them to avoid wasting fortunes on huge legal costs.

To take a look inside a marriage counselling session you can view the TV series Couples Therapy.

What is the experience like during marriage counselling?

A trained and experienced marriage counsellor will not take sides or judge either party. Relationships are co-created – ‘It takes two to tango’. So the couples therapist will listen carefully, sympathetically and without judgement to each member of the couple. The therapist’s role is not to find fault or attribute blame. Their role is to help the couple to hopefully resolve their difficulties and move on successfully with their marriage.

Another possible outcome is that the therapist can help the couple to separate in a respectful manner, minimising pain especially to any children involved and to avoid running up huge legal costs whilst fighting out who is right and who is wrong. Couples are often amazed at how productive and transformative marriage counselling can be. A neutral third eye and third ear can really make a huge, transformative difference.

How much does marriage counselling cost, on average?

At the start of 2024 an approximate budget figure for a marriage counselling session In Greater London lasting 50 minutes with an experienced, qualified couples therapist costs about £100.

The exact cost varies according to the level of experience and training of the counsellor and how and where sessions take place. Obviously at an expensive Central London location such as Harley Street W1, a session is more expensive than somewhere less posh.

Many couples therapists now work partially or exclusively online. Sometimes people can be a bit sniffy about online couples therapy but the reality is that it can have advantages over sessions in person. The biggest of these is convenience, e.g. for couples with young children. People sometimes say that they feel safer and more at ease in the comfort and security of their own homes rather than in an anonymous psychotherapy consulting room which a therapist has rented by the hour.