What is Couples Counselling and What Are Its Benefits?

Couples counselling consists of three people meeting together usually to discuss and work on issues, difficulties or problems that have arisen in the relationship.

A couple’s counsellor has undertaken specialised training and learning in order to understand what makes good relationships thrive and flourish, what problems can arise and how such difficulties can be improved and overcome. The couple’s counsellor does not take sides rather he/she adopts a neutral stance and his/her client is the relationship itself rather than the two individual people. In this way couples counselling is very different to individual counselling.

The focus of the couple’s counsellor is not to find one member of the couple at fault but rather to create a safe space, a safe forum where both members of the couple can speak freely and openly without fear of being judged. Typical issues which present in a couples counselling scenario are poor communication, lack of libido, lack of fun, changes arising when children arrive, empty-nest syndrome when children grow up and leave, infidelities, affairs, online addictions including porn and secret online liaisons, changes in work patterns, feelings of inequality etc.

The benefit of couples counselling is that it can provide a safe forum for both members of the couple to express their hurt, dissatisfaction, anger, fears, longings, dreams, disappointments and of course appreciations. Sometimes couples just can’t make the time to talk and so things are left unsaid, and resentments can accumulate. When this happens sometimes these resentments can be cashed in big time for example by having an affair or one person leaving suddenly and unexpectedly and the other feeling mystified because they just hadn’t seen it coming. An unspoken benefit of couples counselling is that it certainly costs a lot less than a divorce lawyer and it can save all the consequential heartache of two people wrenching their lives apart. If the couple have children, then the effects of splitting up can be very difficult for the children to cope with.    

It is a popular misconception that couples counsellors are always invested in the couple remaining together. On some occasions the couple’s counsellor can help the couple to separate in a respectful and civilised manner while minimising the collateral damage, for example to children.

How much is couples counselling and are there options for assistance?

A couples counsellor comes a whole lot cheaper than a divorce lawyer and so they can represent exceptionally good value for money! In terms of value it’s a question of how much you value your relationship, your marriage and your family? How do you rate the value of improving your relationship, keeping your family together as opposed to, for example, splashing out on an expensive holiday?

Some specialist relationship agencies such as Relate, offer sessions at fees which are related to income and which can be delivered by counsellors in training. Experienced, well trained and qualified couples therapists in the greater London area at the start of 2024 can charge around £100 for a 50/60 minute couples counselling session. Family therapy can be accessed via your GP.

How many sessions are usually needed for effective couples therapy?

There is no simple and clear straightforward answer to this question. For couples therapy to be effective and successful certain things need to be in place. Perhaps the most critical ingredient for success in couples therapy is that both partners should be ready, willing, and able willing to commit the time and energy to the process and be open to change. Sometimes there may be resistance to couples therapy because one partner does not want to acknowledge problems, or feels defensive, worries, angry, embarrassed or ashamed. If one partner is willing to participate in couples therapy and the other is not, then individual counselling should be considered.

Depending on the complexity of the issues and the goals of the couple, the number of sessions required for effective couples therapy can vary. Sometimes 6 sessions can be effective. On occasions 20 sessions can make a huge difference. For some couples, long term therapy is the answer meaning months, sometimes years. In this respect couples therapy is like individual therapy in that you get out of it what you put in, what you invest in terms of emotional commitment, time and, last but not least, money.

How long does a typical couple’s therapy session last?

How to approach couples therapy? What are some tips for getting started?

The starting point for couples therapy starts from within the couple itself. Speak to your partner in a calm setting without distractions such as the TV or children around. You could do this by the two of you taking a walk together. Talk about whether you are both invested in having couples counselling for as long as it takes.

Discuss the idea of couples therapy openly and honestly with your partner. Together think about on some realistic and achievable goals for the therapy. Be open about your expectations and preferences for the therapist and the therapy process itself.

Here are some starting points to discuss:

• Do you have the emotional energy, time, commitment and money to invest in your relationship?

• Talk about how you could make the time and money available to make it happen.

• Talk about who is going to pay. Will each of you contribute to the cost?

• You could think about what a good outcome from couples therapy would look like.

• Discuss what your ideal therapist would look like too.

• Would you prefer a man or a woman to talk too? For example, think about that in the case of a heterosexual couple there will necessarily be a gender imbalance, in other words two men and one woman or two women and one man. What would this feel like for each of you?

When is the right time to begin couples therapy?

The right time to begin couples therapy is quite simply the sooner the better! When difficulties or problems arise, they are much easier to resolve right at the beginning before resentments build up. Some of the most effective couples counselling is pre-marriage counselling when before getting married couples meet with an experienced, qualified couple’s counsellor to talk about each of their ideas about how a successful marriage works and what it looks like.

However, in reality couples usually attend couples counselling when things are not going well. Couples sometimes attend when things have got so bad that they can hardly bear to be in each other’s company and when criticism, nagging, contempt and angry outbursts have become the only form of communication. Sometimes it is when infidelity has occurred, usually because there has been a breakdown in communication, and they have not been able to speak out about their needs, fears and worries. It can be that the therapist is seen as the last chance saloon before they opt for divorce.

In couples therapy, you can learn learn the basics of communication, enhanced listening skills, empathy and give and take on the decisions that come up in life together. So if you feel like you have lost track of each other and your relationship, it would be a wise move to make an appointment with me to help you work towards positive solutions – and get you back on track.